Probably the Most Important Advice You'll Ever Read

How to be Chuck Bass

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I am Chuck Bass

Difficulty:

Moderately Easy

Instructions

Those bow ties! That sneer! Those condescending, degrading, misogynistic quips! Here is the How-to on being the mythological anti-hero that is Charles Bartholomew Bass

1

1. • 

     Begin and end sentences by saying, "I am (insert first and last name)".
     Don't ever let people forget who you are.

   • 2
     

     For daywear, embrace the three P's- purple, plaid, and preppy.
     No color is too bold, no pattern is too tacky, and no outfit is too Hamptons-d*uchey for a Chuck Bass wannabe.

   • 3
     

     For nightwear, embrace the three V's- vests, velvet, and Valentino.
     Chuck Bass just doesn't party at night, he IS the night.

   • 4
     

     Two words: bow ties.
     Women love a man who has a sophisticated style. Think of Cary Grant but 17 years-old and drunk.

   • 5
     

     Purse lips, raise left eyebrow, and lightly whisper in all conversations
     Act like it's near painful to engage in conversation with a person all the while coldly judging them.

   • 6
     

     Walk with a swagger that looks like there is a stick shoved way up your butt. No matter how ridiculous it looks, people will find it sexy as long as you follow all the steps listed in this ehow.

   • 7
     

     Learn to appreciate fine wines, ports, and liquors and make sure to carry a full glass on the rocks wherever you go (parties, shopping, school).

   • 8
     

     Vacation in exotic locations via private jet, all the while wearing gaudy clothing and perpetuating the Ugly American belief.

   • 9
     

     Pay people like chauffeurs, bodyguards, and escorts to hang around you so you feel like you have friends.

   • 10
     

     Sleep with any woman that comes your way. If she doesn't give into your Machiavelli advances, say something like, "Your looks bore me" or "Do you know who I am? I'm (insert first and last name)." (see Step 1)

   • 11
     

     Try to cause pointless and detrimental damage to your friends' social life for no reason other than that you can.

   • 12
     

     Try desperately to win the approval of your soulless and emotionally inept father, all the while neglecting the obvious fact that you're turning into him.

   • 13
     

     Instead of telling the woman of your dreams that you love her, mentally torture her.